Hi there! Long time no see. I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything. To be honest, I have been avoiding it. I havn't been looking forward to explaining myself as of late. I know, I know, I don't need to explain anything but, well, I guess that just isn't my style. I don't like suppressing things, witholding information; it doesn't feel right to me. So, attatched you will find an email I sent to my dear friend Tom this past week. I think it covers everything pretty well.

Tom,

So it has been awhile since we have corresponded-- that whole "life" thing, getting in the way. (go figure) I feel like a lot has happened since I last emailed you; I'm sure you have been pretty busy on your end as well.

I suppose the best place to start is at the end: I got my heart broken, again. How is that possible, you might ask? After all, it has only been 4 1/2 months since I got back from New Mexico. Honestly, I don't know. He was a friend of mine; I've known him for over two years now. One night in mid-july, we met up for dinner with another mutual friend and, for whatever reason, something switched. It really was that instantaneous. We then spent the next 3 1/2 weeks together, spending every free moment we had wrapped up in each other. A lot of that was because he was leaving, off to California to "find himself, be irresponsible, and promote his art." Yeah, that. Who knew when he would becoming back, if ever. We spent a week in New York before he left, during which time I fell in love with him. Head over heals; done. I couldn't help it. Then he left and I cried and came back to -----ville to start my student teaching, which has been the most stressful, draining, exhausting, perplexing, fulfilling thing I have ever done. We had very little correspondence for nearly a month and a half, at which point, out of the blue, he told me that he loved me and was coming home. well, you can imagine, I'm sure, my reaction. I was ecstatic, yes, but hesitant. I still didn't trust that it could be true, that he was actually coming back to me. And I didn't really accept it, not until the morning his plane was supposed to arrive. Only then did I let it sink in fully, let it envelop me and take me over. This too was a mistake. He came back, eventually, but not as the man I fell in love with, but as someone else: distant, confused, and selfish. You see, when he told me he loved me and was coming home, I foolishly interpreted that as "I love you and I am coming home for you, to be with you." I wasn't prepared for the "I don't really know what I want" speech, which consisted of him explaining that he knew he wanted me in his life, but he wasn't sure how or what that meant. He wanted me, yes, but he also wanted the possibility of someone else. Back to the whole cake-eating thing. I suppose he felt like I was just supposed to hang around until he figured it out, which I could have done, it's true. I did, actually, for about a week, during which time I thought everything was finally starting to fall into place, just like it used to be. Then he floors me with the "I think we are moving too fast" talk and everything proceeds to fall apart from there.
So now it is over and I am heartbroken. I don't know if it is that I have never truly felt this before or if I have simply forgotten what it felt like. Either way, I don't like it. At times I feel like the physical representation of agony. But, like most things, it comes in waves, the good and the bad. Sometimes all I really want to do is just curl up in a ball and cry, or even worse, just lay there, thinking of him and what might have been. Danger, I know. I just wish I could shut my mind off, keep myself from remembering. It's the memories that are killing me. Suddenly the premise of Eternal Sunshine doesn't seem so absurd. If only I didn't remember how beautiful it was then, maybe we could at least go back to the way things were before any of this even happened; perhaps then I could at least have my friend back.
At first I even understood. I remembered how I felt with my ex, Dan: that feeling of knowing you want to be with someone, but also knowing, deep down, that it just isn't right, that this isn't the end of the line. That restlessness, that fear. I thought I understood because I had been there before, and somehow, this gave me comfort. But recently, I have lost that sense of understanding. There is one key difference between Paul's* situation and my own: I gave it a try. I tried to make things work with Dan before I threw it all to the wind. But Paul, he couldn't even do that. He couldn't even try. And that, that pains me more than anything. The frustration of not knowing whether we were good for each other or not. At least then, if it didn't work out, we would KNOW. But this, this is just torture, this not knowing. Then again, perhaps the not-knowing is a kind of knowing all in and of itself. ya know?
The truth is, I know I deserve better. I know I deserve someone who will sweep me off of my feet and make me feel truly beautiful, someone who will lift me up rather than contually breaking me down. Logically, I know all of these things. Then why? Why do I allow myself to put up with things that I wouldn't otherwise? Why does my heart want him and only him?? Will that go away? Do I just have to ignore it long enough until it fades, when all I want to do is embrace it for as long as I possibly can because that, even that, makes me feel closer to him? I feel the pain and it reminds me of how much I loved, it reminds me of him. There is an odd, demented sort of comfort in that; I don't know if I am ready to let go-- of the pain or, as a result, of him.
My cooperating teacher, Mrs. C, and I were talking the other day and she said something that really stuck: She said that, when you are teacher, everything is always ok. No matter what is going on in your life, no matter how shitty things get, when you come to school, you have to put it all away somewhere and pretend that everything is ok. You do that enough, day after day, and sooner or later you convince even yourself. I can definitely see this now. I wake up in the mornings and all I want to do is stay in bed all day and wallow. But I can't. So I get up, I get dressed, I even put on makeup and do my hair. Then I come to school and I smile and give away all of my energy to these kids, whether they deserve it or not. By the end of the day, I don't feel like wallowing any more. I smile and hum to myself and somehow I have managed to forget about him, even for a moment. Still, by the time I get home, I am exhausted and worn down. I keep going though; I meet up with friends or go drink some tea or go work out, anything that keeps me busy and away from the house, away from my room and the memories associated with it. When I finally do get home, I plan for the next day and try to get in bed before midnight, ready to start it all over again at six the next morning.
I'm tired, Tom. I feel like I keep getting beat down. It's like that Ben Harper song, "Don't let them take the fight out of you..." I really like that song. I feel like the fight in me is dying and I don't like it. I'm doing everything I can to keep it alive, to just keep punching, no matter how wimpy the punches may be at the time. Just keep punching...

So I guess that's where I'm at now. I'm still punching, still fighting. I surround myself with people who love and support me, feeding off of their energy and their love. I don't think they even know how much I am depending on them right now. Then again, maybe they do.

Well it is lunchtime; I am writing you during my planning period. I leave you to eat my apple and grade papers. ( I wish I could say that were simply a metaphor, but, alas, I speak the truth!)
I am anxious to hear how things are going for you. Please send me an update whenever you get the opportunity!

With Love,
Candace

* For whatever it's worth, this name has been changed for obvious reasons.

Appendix A:

Fight Outta You
By Ben Harper

They'll look you in the eyes and stone you
Then turn and disown you,
Don't you let them take the fight outta you
They'll walk all over your name 'til they find someone else to blame,
Don't let them take thefight outta you
Secrets hide their lies inside hidden alibis,
Don't let it take the fight outta you
They put the world on a hook,
It's worse every time I look
Don't let them take the fight outta you

I would rather take a punch than not give you a shot
I'd rather find out who you are than who you're not
Should have known better than to mistake business for love
Should have known better than to mistake a fist for a glove

It will be in your honor 'til you're not needed any longer,
don't let them take the fight outta you
Don't believe the headlines, check it for yourself sometimes,
Don't let them take the fight outta you
The lies you live become you, the love you lose it numbs you,
Don't let it take the fight outta you
They say that you've arrived but that's just a high-class bribe,
Don't let it take the fight outta you

I would rather take a punch than not give you a shot
I'd rather find out who you are than who you're not
Should have known better than to mistake business for love
Should have known better than to mistake a fist for a glove

There's always someone younger, someone with more hunger,
Don't let it take the fight outta you
They'll say you're the one and only
Then straight up leave you lonely,
Don't let them take the fight outta you
Like a transplant-patient waiting for a donor,
Don't let it take the fight outta you
Like a half empty balloon after a party in the corner,
Don't let them take the fight outta you.

Damn straight. You tell 'em Ben. You sing it!

That is all. On to more pressing matters next time...